To help our kids succeed, we must foster our kids' resilience by
helping them learn to deal competently and successfully with
the challenges of everyday life.
Here are ten fundamental guideposts along the path to
developing your kids' resilience.
- Be empathic. Recognize your children's point of view and
acknowledge their feelings. You don't have to agree with
everything they do or say, but try to appreciate and validate
their viewpoint. When they know you're listening, they're more
likely to look to you for guidance.
- Communicate effectively and listen actively. Effective
communication involves actively listening to your children,
understanding what they are attempting to say and responding
in ways that avoid power struggles. Help your children to
understand your point of view and make a sincere effort to
understand theirs.
- Break free of negative scripts. If something you've said or
done for a reasonable amount of time isn't working, think about
what you can do differently. This teaches your children that
there are alternative ways of solving problems and that you can
learn from your mistakes.
- Love your children in ways that help them to feel
special and appreciated. Once children understand that you
love them for who they are – and not simply for what they do or
don't do – they develop the confidence to think for themselves
and can be less susceptible to peer pressure.
- Accept your children for who they are. One of the most
difficult struggles as a parent is to accept your children as
unique individuals. When this acceptance is present, you can
successfully set expectations and goals consistent with your
child's temperament.
- Help your children find their islands of
competence. Let
your children experience success by identifying and reinforcing
those things they do especially well. Helping your children find
their strengths will allow them to more easily accept and work
on their weaknesses.
- Help your children to recognize that we all learn from
mistakes. Resilient children tend to view mistakes as
opportunities for learning. In contrast, children who are not very
hopeful often experience mistakes as an indication that they are
failures. Helping your children to see life as a continuous
learning process takes the fear out of trying new experiences.
- Provide children with opportunities to contribute. Help
your children develop a sense of responsibility and enhance
their self-worth by providing them with opportunities to help
others.
- Teach your children to solve problems and make
decisions. Help your children learn how to make decisions and
to solve problems independently. Resilient children are able to
define problems, consider different solutions and learn from the
outcome.
- Discipline your children in a manner that promotes self-discipline
and self-worth. The ultimate goal is to nurture self-discipline
so that your children act responsibly even when you're
not around. Whenever possible, help your children understand
the value in the lessons you teach them.
Authors: Robert Brooks, Ph.D. & Sam Goldstein, Ph.D.
